This Is It

On this day one year ago, I said 'goodbye' to my dad, the last person that I saw from Kansas and started my adventure in Florida as a Catholic Volunteer. Looking back at my posts from a year ago, it is still very vivid in my mind how difficult that first week away from home was but also how necessary this past year was for me.

I could go on about how the first two weeks being down in Florida were some of the most difficult I've ever experienced on my own. I could relive all the frustrating moments from the school year but as all those thoughts come to mind, I know that God gave me all those experiences for a reason.  I left Kansas and everything that was comfortable to me so I could struggle.  By the end of college, I had such a routine going that I knew if I didn't leave, I'd get stuck in the motions and never really live life as God intended me to live it.  I left for a number of reasons that I did not always share with people but I knew that I really needed a chance to struggle and fight on my own.

God gave me the great luxury my whole life of being surrounded with supportive friends and family who were at my side constantly.  Whether in Emporia or Wichita, if I needed someone, they could be there in an instant.  But let's be honest, I've never really faced true problems in my life.  This past year, my eyes were open to the true issues of the world and that's when I came to realize how selfish I really could be sometimes.  I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: it's not about me or you or anyone or anything.  We are meant to live our life for God and through God, always serving Him to the best of our abilities.  I wasn't in a 3rd World country or living in a very poor part of Miami so really, I had life pretty good this past year but even the slightest of sacrifice for the sake of others, can make all the difference in someone's life.  Now my students might not remember me two years from now or even next year but no matter how many times I came home from school frustrated, I will always be grateful to have had them in my life.  Some of the struggles they encountered daily outside school far surpass any struggle I might ever face in my life back here in Kansas.

My eyes needed opening this past year and opened they were.  Opened to a whole new culture, opened to real struggle and pain, but also opened to a whole new part of the United States that I might have never had a chance to see and really explore had I not gone.  This also gave me the opportunity to meet a fantastic group of new friends that helped, watched, and grew with me along our journey of service.  As a group, we hit a few bumps and lost some members but we also gained a bond that, no matter how many miles are between us, will always be part of us.  We had to open up to one another and let our guards down because very early on we realized that for some of us, we were all we had throughout this year. We had to be each other's family because most of our real family was so far. Tears were shed at times but mostly, we laughed constantly, reflected on the year, and soaked up each minute with one another. I will never forget how they were there for me in Tampa when I found out a close friend had gone into the hospital in critical condition.  We sat and prayed and at that moment, they were truly a family to me--comforting me even though they had no idea who it was that was in the hospital.

Since being back, it seems like living in Florida was ages ago because the life I have at home seems so different from how it was in Florida. I am staying quite busy: preparing for the upcoming school year, spending time with friends and family, but also trying to keep in mind that it's okay to slow down and take time for myself.  Time for personal reflection became very important to me this past year and that's something I know God wanted me to take away from my year.

I worry for a lot of things still and am not entirely sure how to put this past year into words but I do know that being part of the volunteer program for the year has made me a better person. My relationship with God has been strengthened and because of Him, I am so grateful.  I've made new friendships but been able to keep the 'old' ones as well.  I've come to appreciate the life given to me and I hope you all do as well.

As I wrap this up for one last post, I hope that you realize how important it is to give back what's been given to you. If we all give a little more and take a little less, weigh out our wants versus our needs, and really focus on the importance of relationships with one another, then our lives will be filled with more joy.  God came to Earth so that we could be happy; "I have come that you might have life and have it to the fullest." (John 10:10)

Thank you for all the love and support you might have ever given me.
"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier." ~Mother Teresa

Final Countdown

This past weekend I was home for a beautiful Catholic wedding that joined two of my high school classmates together in marriage.  I was able to get some boxes moved in to my new place to get a jumpstart so I don't have as much to move when I get back.  Between the wedding where I was able to see lots of friends and moving the next day, it started to hit me that I really am moving back home and starting another chapter in my life.

That being said, my days with my roommates are numbered. We decided we would make this week count and do something exciting everyday (attemptedly). Monday evening, we went out for sushi which was our first meal altogether while we were looking for places to live our first week here. After that, we decided to build a tent in our living room with our sheets and blankets.  We stayed under our tent, watched "Bunheads" on ABC Family, and ate ice cream to complete our girls night.

The next morning, we were going to wake up and watch the sunrise but that didn't really happen. Well, actually, I woke up and no one else really and I didn't really feel like moving so it was kind of my fault.  I did more packing in the afternoon and the room is starting to get quite empty.  I cooked dinner for us while the girls were out apartment hunting so we had another nice meal together and decided we would try again to wake up and watch the sunrise.

We woke up this morning ready to go but the weather was not as kind to us.  It was storming but Amanda was persistent that we go to the beach anyway so we went.  It was sprinkling and we really couldn't see much but it was the idea of it. After we went and had breakfast at Denny's before we all headed off to service for the day.

I only have 3 days left here. It hardly seems real at this point. Like moving down here, it probably won't hit til the car is packed and dad and I hit the road. This week my prayer intention has been for all those who are in the middle of a transition in their lives whether that be relationships, jobs, or living situations.   God has a plan for all of us, even if it isn't really clear right now.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

With a huge thanks to my dad and his Fed Ex rep, the girls, my friend, Kathryn, and I went to watch the Cardinals play the Miami Marlins last night.  We got to see the brand new stadium which was exciting for me. It had a very modern look and feel to it from the colors and retractable roof to the food around the stadium.  We chose to eat from the Mexican area and had some delicious Key Lime chicken tacos and split some churros but they also offered Cuban, Kosher, and Gluten-free options as well as the normal hamburgers and hotdogs.  The game started off great for the Cardinals fans with getting 5 runs in the first inning and then coasting from there but it was enjoyable nonetheless.  It was nice to be back at a Major League game since I've missed games with my family the past 3 years.  It was also Patricia's first baseball game so I'm glad I was able to share in that experience with her.  I only have 2 and a half weeks left here and I can hardly believe it.

I'll Never Be the Same...

This past weekend was the final retreat/decommissioning for our service year.  It was absolutely the best weekend with my volunteer family.  The girls and I arrived on Thursday night and hung out with everyone that night.  Friday we slept in a little and then went to downtown Orlando for lunch.  We went and picked up our final volunteer friend from the train station and then headed to our executive director's house to start the retreat.  Friday was a pretty laid back evening of just talking and playing games.  I also really appreciated that we were at her house because it felt personal and more intimate.  We were in a small circle and it just felt like family.  We had a delicious dinner of Shepard's Pie and all sorts of sides and desserts made by our directors.  It was a really comforting first night back together.

Saturday, we had a full day of activities from awards to surveys and then in the evening, we had a gathering of several board members, alumni, and various important members of the CVIF community to celebrate one of our leaders moving to another position in Florida.  We were all able to interact and then I had made a video to share our memories from throughout the year that was shown to everyone.  Following that, we had a small fire going and made s'mores.  Once everyone started leaving, we cleaned up and headed back for one last night of bonding together at our friend's apartment.  We were also trying to prepare ourselves for the next day which would be full of sadness but joy.

We gathered for Mass on Sunday morning at the church where we started our year, San Pedro Center.  It was absolutely perfect to finish our year where we started.  Once Mass was over, they held a decommissioning ceremony for the nine of us that finished our year.  After pictures were taken and trying to delay some goodbyes, most all of us went to have some Chinese and then back to our friend's apartment. We all hung out for awhile and I burned copies of the movie for everyone to take with them but before we knew it, our time to head back to Miami was coming since we had the longest drive.  Minimal tears were shed but our hearts were definitely in pain.  As is normal in any situation such as this, some of us are closer to one another than others but my heart was still aching as I gave each of my friends a long hug.  There were a few that I didn't want to let go of but I know that this is not the end.  The nine of us that made it through this year have a bond like no other and I will never be the same person because of them.  We are planning our reunion already so that we all have something to look forward to.  I'm not the same person I was before and I think that leaving Florida might actually become harder than leaving Kansas.  I'm not sure I'm ready for it but just like 11 months ago, it's coming whether I like it or not.

Horizontal and Vertical Relationships

So tonight on my run, I was listening to this pastor speak on the Christian radio station here.  I have been listening to him more and more as I run because it gives me something to think about while I'm running and I feel like I run better when I'm praying and focusing on God.  Anyway, the topic tonight was, "Who Helps You?" and started out by listing the initial people in our lives that we go to in times of struggle such as family, friends, people involved at our church, etc.  When we go to these people, we receive sympathy and offerings to help but we walk away with no solution to our problem.  The person we should have gone to first was, of course, God because (as the pastor put it and I don't completely agree) He was the one that gave us the problem and therefore, is the only one that can help us through it.  It's time for us to stop focusing so much on our horizontal relationships, those here on Earth with us, when we are in trouble and look vertically, up to God.

I was on a one-day retreat this weekend with Patricia with what ended up being a Catholic Filipino group of adults.  I must say it was quite a new but neat experience to immerse myself in yet another culture but they were all so kind to us.  Their life experiences are far more extensive than mine have been so far or might ever be but it was a beautiful reminder of how truly universal the Catholic church is.  On Sunday, I went to Mass at Barry, where I've gone to church since November, for the last time and said 'goodbye' to the priest and thanked him for all his help and support this year.  It was a very different feeling because he truly did help me and watch me grow this year without ever really knowing much about me.  I know these 'goodbyes' will become more common in the next month.  All these "horizontal" relationships this year have helped me in some way with my "vertical" relationship with God.

"We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7

From Firsts to Lasts

On Thursday, I said "good bye" to one of my dearest students for the last time.  It brought tears to my eyes and I knew it would.  My heart started to ache and I was only imagining what the next day would be like.  I prayed all night that all my students would be at school the next day so I could give them a proper "good bye" and all but 6 of them were there so I could not be too upset.  We started our last day of school with Mass and it really started to hit in the middle of Mass that this was the last time I would share in this sacrament with them.  My heart started to sink once again as one of my 2nd graders laid her head on my shoulder.

Once Mass finished, we went back to the classroom for the last hour of school to pass out awards and just have fun together one last time.  Parents started showing up and before I knew it, it was time to give them all one last hug.  Some of them were ready to go and went on their way but others stayed and held on to me which made it even worse.  The parents of those students knew I wasn't coming back which made it all the more difficult.  I received many compliments about how I did this year but that did not ease much of the pain I was feeling as I let my students walk out the door.  Eventually we walked down to the courtyard so that the parents could get their student(s) right away without having to walk all around the school.  One of my third graders was adamant not to leave me and insisted I give her my phone number.  I told her I could not do that but that we would keep in contact through my co-teacher next year.  Her older sister had also become like another student in my class because she stayed after school in the homework help program so giving her one last hug was just as tough.  Their 2 little sisters even knew I wasn't coming back and told me good luck in Kansas next year.  Watching their family leave will probably be engrained in my mind for a long time because the tears started flowing again once they left.

I can't believe that close to 10 months ago my class walked in with big eyes to see their new teacher and now I will have to walk away with big puffy eyes because how much they have changed me.  I have been praying and hoping all week that I did something right with them  Some of them, even if I do come back and visit soon, I will never see again because they are moving out of state or to another school.  Those "good byes" were especially tough because I will never know what happens to them.  I can only pray that God protects them and they stay close to Him in the future.  Being a teacher has all of a sudden become so scary because I realized on that last day of school how much of an impact I might have had this year.  I will never truly know the impact on had on this class of 2nd and 3rd graders but I think I got a small glimpse in those last few hours.

We had a teacher luncheon to end the school year that afternoon and as the teachers left, I realized it was the last time I would be in the same room with all of them again.  No one really said "good bye" or "good luck" to me and that was okay with me but I almost felt a bit empty because of it.  I think I will experience more closure when I actually finish summer school in a month.

I have this whole week off before summer school starts so I will be spending some of that time at the beach and working on projects I've been wanting to do all year.  It's time to enjoy my last month in Florida before I move back to Kansas for good!

Beginning of the End

We have 3 more days of school left and in those days we will be having a party, cleaning, and receiving awards.  It still has not completely clicked in my head that come Friday or whenever some of my students decide to leave and not come back, that I might not see them again--ever.  I know that is very pessimistic to think and I can only hope I did my best with them.  I printed off pictures of them today to give them tomorrow so that hopefully they can remember this school year.  Their faces in the picture were so happy and it started to break my heart inside that I will have to leave them.  I know they will never understand it but they changed me this year and watching them walk away on Friday will be the toughest part of my year.  So many people tell me I'm a good teacher but honestly, I'm not sure I will ever know, especially when I can't continue to watch them grow as a person.  I could teach them every standard required and advance them as far as possible but unless I know they are a good person who keeps God in their life and respects everyone around them as well as themselves, I'm not sure I will ever feel like an accomplished teacher.  I worry for my students that have particularly poor attitudes and no motivation in school.  Some days I try my best and some days I just get so frustrated because of how negative they are.  I hope and pray that their mind changes and they find direction in this world.  I don't want them to be lost at such a young age. 

I think I've done enough deep thinking and worrying about them tonight.  I did some baking this evening for their party and during the day, after the students left, I did some classroom cleaning so the room is certainly starting to look barren.  I guess that's really the sign that the school year is over.  Come Friday, I will be able to check first year of teaching off the list.  That in itself almost brings tears to my eyes.  I better get some sleep before I get too emotional.  Good night and may you find peace in all that you do and remember that we never know the impact we might have on someone else.