I'll Never Be the Same...

This past weekend was the final retreat/decommissioning for our service year.  It was absolutely the best weekend with my volunteer family.  The girls and I arrived on Thursday night and hung out with everyone that night.  Friday we slept in a little and then went to downtown Orlando for lunch.  We went and picked up our final volunteer friend from the train station and then headed to our executive director's house to start the retreat.  Friday was a pretty laid back evening of just talking and playing games.  I also really appreciated that we were at her house because it felt personal and more intimate.  We were in a small circle and it just felt like family.  We had a delicious dinner of Shepard's Pie and all sorts of sides and desserts made by our directors.  It was a really comforting first night back together.

Saturday, we had a full day of activities from awards to surveys and then in the evening, we had a gathering of several board members, alumni, and various important members of the CVIF community to celebrate one of our leaders moving to another position in Florida.  We were all able to interact and then I had made a video to share our memories from throughout the year that was shown to everyone.  Following that, we had a small fire going and made s'mores.  Once everyone started leaving, we cleaned up and headed back for one last night of bonding together at our friend's apartment.  We were also trying to prepare ourselves for the next day which would be full of sadness but joy.

We gathered for Mass on Sunday morning at the church where we started our year, San Pedro Center.  It was absolutely perfect to finish our year where we started.  Once Mass was over, they held a decommissioning ceremony for the nine of us that finished our year.  After pictures were taken and trying to delay some goodbyes, most all of us went to have some Chinese and then back to our friend's apartment. We all hung out for awhile and I burned copies of the movie for everyone to take with them but before we knew it, our time to head back to Miami was coming since we had the longest drive.  Minimal tears were shed but our hearts were definitely in pain.  As is normal in any situation such as this, some of us are closer to one another than others but my heart was still aching as I gave each of my friends a long hug.  There were a few that I didn't want to let go of but I know that this is not the end.  The nine of us that made it through this year have a bond like no other and I will never be the same person because of them.  We are planning our reunion already so that we all have something to look forward to.  I'm not the same person I was before and I think that leaving Florida might actually become harder than leaving Kansas.  I'm not sure I'm ready for it but just like 11 months ago, it's coming whether I like it or not.

Horizontal and Vertical Relationships

So tonight on my run, I was listening to this pastor speak on the Christian radio station here.  I have been listening to him more and more as I run because it gives me something to think about while I'm running and I feel like I run better when I'm praying and focusing on God.  Anyway, the topic tonight was, "Who Helps You?" and started out by listing the initial people in our lives that we go to in times of struggle such as family, friends, people involved at our church, etc.  When we go to these people, we receive sympathy and offerings to help but we walk away with no solution to our problem.  The person we should have gone to first was, of course, God because (as the pastor put it and I don't completely agree) He was the one that gave us the problem and therefore, is the only one that can help us through it.  It's time for us to stop focusing so much on our horizontal relationships, those here on Earth with us, when we are in trouble and look vertically, up to God.

I was on a one-day retreat this weekend with Patricia with what ended up being a Catholic Filipino group of adults.  I must say it was quite a new but neat experience to immerse myself in yet another culture but they were all so kind to us.  Their life experiences are far more extensive than mine have been so far or might ever be but it was a beautiful reminder of how truly universal the Catholic church is.  On Sunday, I went to Mass at Barry, where I've gone to church since November, for the last time and said 'goodbye' to the priest and thanked him for all his help and support this year.  It was a very different feeling because he truly did help me and watch me grow this year without ever really knowing much about me.  I know these 'goodbyes' will become more common in the next month.  All these "horizontal" relationships this year have helped me in some way with my "vertical" relationship with God.

"We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7

From Firsts to Lasts

On Thursday, I said "good bye" to one of my dearest students for the last time.  It brought tears to my eyes and I knew it would.  My heart started to ache and I was only imagining what the next day would be like.  I prayed all night that all my students would be at school the next day so I could give them a proper "good bye" and all but 6 of them were there so I could not be too upset.  We started our last day of school with Mass and it really started to hit in the middle of Mass that this was the last time I would share in this sacrament with them.  My heart started to sink once again as one of my 2nd graders laid her head on my shoulder.

Once Mass finished, we went back to the classroom for the last hour of school to pass out awards and just have fun together one last time.  Parents started showing up and before I knew it, it was time to give them all one last hug.  Some of them were ready to go and went on their way but others stayed and held on to me which made it even worse.  The parents of those students knew I wasn't coming back which made it all the more difficult.  I received many compliments about how I did this year but that did not ease much of the pain I was feeling as I let my students walk out the door.  Eventually we walked down to the courtyard so that the parents could get their student(s) right away without having to walk all around the school.  One of my third graders was adamant not to leave me and insisted I give her my phone number.  I told her I could not do that but that we would keep in contact through my co-teacher next year.  Her older sister had also become like another student in my class because she stayed after school in the homework help program so giving her one last hug was just as tough.  Their 2 little sisters even knew I wasn't coming back and told me good luck in Kansas next year.  Watching their family leave will probably be engrained in my mind for a long time because the tears started flowing again once they left.

I can't believe that close to 10 months ago my class walked in with big eyes to see their new teacher and now I will have to walk away with big puffy eyes because how much they have changed me.  I have been praying and hoping all week that I did something right with them  Some of them, even if I do come back and visit soon, I will never see again because they are moving out of state or to another school.  Those "good byes" were especially tough because I will never know what happens to them.  I can only pray that God protects them and they stay close to Him in the future.  Being a teacher has all of a sudden become so scary because I realized on that last day of school how much of an impact I might have had this year.  I will never truly know the impact on had on this class of 2nd and 3rd graders but I think I got a small glimpse in those last few hours.

We had a teacher luncheon to end the school year that afternoon and as the teachers left, I realized it was the last time I would be in the same room with all of them again.  No one really said "good bye" or "good luck" to me and that was okay with me but I almost felt a bit empty because of it.  I think I will experience more closure when I actually finish summer school in a month.

I have this whole week off before summer school starts so I will be spending some of that time at the beach and working on projects I've been wanting to do all year.  It's time to enjoy my last month in Florida before I move back to Kansas for good!

Beginning of the End

We have 3 more days of school left and in those days we will be having a party, cleaning, and receiving awards.  It still has not completely clicked in my head that come Friday or whenever some of my students decide to leave and not come back, that I might not see them again--ever.  I know that is very pessimistic to think and I can only hope I did my best with them.  I printed off pictures of them today to give them tomorrow so that hopefully they can remember this school year.  Their faces in the picture were so happy and it started to break my heart inside that I will have to leave them.  I know they will never understand it but they changed me this year and watching them walk away on Friday will be the toughest part of my year.  So many people tell me I'm a good teacher but honestly, I'm not sure I will ever know, especially when I can't continue to watch them grow as a person.  I could teach them every standard required and advance them as far as possible but unless I know they are a good person who keeps God in their life and respects everyone around them as well as themselves, I'm not sure I will ever feel like an accomplished teacher.  I worry for my students that have particularly poor attitudes and no motivation in school.  Some days I try my best and some days I just get so frustrated because of how negative they are.  I hope and pray that their mind changes and they find direction in this world.  I don't want them to be lost at such a young age. 

I think I've done enough deep thinking and worrying about them tonight.  I did some baking this evening for their party and during the day, after the students left, I did some classroom cleaning so the room is certainly starting to look barren.  I guess that's really the sign that the school year is over.  Come Friday, I will be able to check first year of teaching off the list.  That in itself almost brings tears to my eyes.  I better get some sleep before I get too emotional.  Good night and may you find peace in all that you do and remember that we never know the impact we might have on someone else. 

What a Week(s)

I have been such a slacker in posting lately and it's not due to being boring.  One week ago, after a long wait and drive in the car, the girls and I went to Key West for the weekend! We've been on a lot of road-trips this year but this might be my favorite trip of the year.  We got to see the most beautiful sunset, walk around their famous Duval street, share a delicious slice of Key Lime pie, sit on the beach, but most importantly relax and enjoy each other's company.  This trip really bonded us together and I know it will be a memory that I cherish forever.  Our time together is getting shorter and shorter and this trip really made me realize that.  I also realized on the drive back that my days with my students are numbered.

I started out my school week a little tired from the exciting weekend but I wasn't the only one.  Tuesday we were all a little sleepy but it started to hit that we were within counting days of school being out.  We reviewed most of the week for their final math test to make sure they remembered everything and I prayed that I did something right this year.  Throughout the week, I talked to various teachers and some of them are ready for the year to be over so they look at me confused when I get sentimental about the year ending.  Even if I had the worst class in the year this year, that would not the change the fact that they are the first class I have ever taught on my own not to mention these students are the reason I came down to Florida.  They hold such a special place in my heart and will never be forgotten.  As the week progressed, my students' behavior hadn't really changed from normal but I felt like it was a really good week overall.  I had a student pull the fire alarm one day and after he went to the office and his mom came, he was pretty perfect after that.  The way some of my students have grown really amazes me but there are some that I still worry about. Thank goodness Julissa is keeping almost everyone from our class this year so I can call and check in on them.  I will also have some of my really low level learners this summer for summer school so I hope that having more one-on-one time with them will help them progress and get to where they need to be.  I've been trying to make summer school sound exciting for the ones that I know are coming so they don't dread their summer.

God has just truly amazed me with who he has put in my life this year.  I think first of my roommates who I consider lifelong friends because we have seen each other through so much, the silly moments, the tears, and the late nights.  Never did I think that I would have been surrounded with such different but genuine ladies at this point in my life.  While the 3 of us are from very diverse backgrounds, it has made our bond even stronger because we are able to help one another grow in new ways and see from new perspectives.  I then broaden my thoughts to my CVIF family and the impact they will have on my life and year forever.  My time down here with them is also getting shorter and while I don't get to see them everyday, the idea of moving away from them makes my heart sad.  God is so ingenious and gave me exactly what I needed this year.  Our final retreat is fast approaching and I'm trying to focus on all the good memories God has provided us with as a family this year.  I know that the bond we have will not be broken so I'm not too worried.

I knew at the beginning of the year that I would eventually fall in love with my life down here because God had great things planned and I think that has definitely happened.  I am very excited to move back home in July because I know I am blessed to have friends and family to welcome me back but my time down here has truly changed me forever.

My days with my class are numbered and my weeks in Florida are as well.  I can only pray that I finish following God's will for me down here before I move back and start the next part of my life.  Happy weekend!

Then and Now

This past weekend I successfully flew into Wichita, after an interesting change in my flight schedule and evacuating the airport for a few hours on Friday, and surprised my little sister for her high school graduation! It was a fantastic weekend at home complete with family time, a bachelorette party, and seeing my good friend that was in the hospital and now engaged! While I was home though, everyone was settling in for summer and finishing up school.  As people started to ask me when I was done with school and moving back, my feelings of jealousy started to grow stronger because we still have 2 and a half weeks of school left.  My mind then drifts to what my routine for the past 4 summers...starting training for camp.  I would be rejoined with my summer family who consumes all my time but makes my summer so enjoyable and memorable.  When I was making my decision to join the program, I truly hesitated because I did not want to have to leave my summer family.  Each summer I have spent out there gets better and better.  I guess it's time to stop being selfish though and let some new people become part of the family out there. 

The class was especially unruly today but we made sure and talked to parents so that they are aware.  I hope that helps me for tomorrow because my co-teacher will be gone tomorrow and Thursday.  At this time of the year, I will take all the help I can get.  One of my boys that is especially difficult asked me today why I had to leave and that he wanted me to stay.  I was feeling a bit tired when he said that but it made me stop and really think. I knew that he meant it because he'd had a rough day so at that point, I did not expect that to come out of his mouth.  I have been praying a lot lately for me to have extra patience with my class and to also enjoy these last few weeks with them.  Although they will be crazy and some days I will probably be ready for school to end, I know I will regret it later if I am constantly letting myself be frustrated and upset with them.  Coming back this time was not sad or hard at all but I just knew these last few weeks could be potentially really long because their behavior could slowly decline.  I will keep my head up though.  I just need to remind myself that I came to serve, through the good and the not as good times of the school year.

I'm saying my prayers tonight that my class and I have a good day together tomorrow and Thursday. I will also be keeping everyone that is finishing up school this week, teachers, students, staff, etc. in my prayers as they finish up their year and prepare for summer.  I hope God leads them to fun but safe adventures and memories.   

Irony

Before I start, do not be alarmed but this morning there was shooting next to the school right as school was starting.  None of our students were hurt or affected in any way.  We went on lockdown for about 20 minutes but still went on with our normal school day.  I have never felt safer in that school.  I knew it was close and my students had their own stories about what they saw as they arrived but I knew God was keeping our school safe, as well as the police officers that immediately surrounded our perimeter.  The situation was over quickly and we said a prayer for all those involved.  While this is not necessarily a positive remark, as far as irony goes, our assistant principal was talking to us at Panera on Friday about the numerous times her previous school down here had gone on lockdown because it was in such a rough neighborhood.  I do not think my school is in the safest neighborhood but I've never felt in danger.

On the subject of irony, last night I was reading our new "book club" book that the program gives us to read in between each retreat.  This book, "How Coffee Saved My Life And Other Stories of Stumbling to Grace", is about a girl who went down to Uruguay to serve as part of a volunteer program and all of her experiences throughout her time.  I am only 10 pages in but I find her so relatable in how she has depicted the beginning of her service.  Her time before she left was much more strenuous than mine, including losing a friend to cancer, but the way she words it just seems to fit me so well.  I wish I could have written my story as well as she has written hers, and maybe one day I will, but for now, here's an excerpt from a journal entry in her book,

"October 7
I wanted to listen and learn in hopes of returning a more grounded, intelligent, worldly woman who is also a hopeful, relevant, responsible, and sensitive citizen of the world. I wanted to sneak past that coastal guard and work my spoiled butt off for justice and human rights while being gently, ever so gracefully presented with a different way of life.  And by all means, I wanted to leave room for my imperfections."

To close for the night, I read a really neat article about how Chef Mario Batali cut back his family's food allowance for a month and lived off what those who receive food stamps would be able to buy.  I do not really know much about the food stamp program but I read they are considering cutting some of its costs.  Personally, I think of my own students and how some of them might be on food stamps or at least have very little to eat.  I really admire that Chef Batali chose to take on that challenge and step into someone else's shoes and open himself up to simpler living.  We are far from food stamps this year but we have had to cut back on what we might normally buy at the grocery store.  I think everyone could benefit from looking at what they buy at the grocery store as a want versus a need.